Building Our Villages
Building Strong Connections: How Nurturing Our Social Villages,
Enhances Well-Being, Community, and Quality of Life
Show up for, and show interest in, people.
Showing up for people you love is especially important at the beginning and end of their lives.
“Looking for a life boost? I’m Julia Irwin, and I’ll show you that real fulfillment comes from building strong, meaningful connections. Join me to create a supportive circle that enriches every part of your life. Let’s build our villages together! networks!”
Shortly before my daughter moved to a new city to start law school, her uncle gave her great advice:
“Be kind to everyone and nurture relationships. I’d say that’s spot-on guidance for all of us.”
I’ve been a home-visiting palliative care and hospice social worker for more than 20 years. When I meet people living with serious illnesses, I often ask what matters most to them and where they derive their strength.
Cherished relationships with loved ones are far and away the most common answer to both questions.
Most patients brush aside other topics and talk instead about their spouses, children, best friends, neighbors, mentors, and colleagues. Avid travelers typically say that their favorite place in the world is home, where they are surrounded by their favorite people.
It doesn’t just take a village to raise a child.
We all need strong social support networks for optimal well-being, especially as young adults.
Building community can be a way of life that opens doors and improves quality of life.
So how do we build our villages?
Join groups, accept invitations, then pay attention.
I attended a small liberal arts college where most of the campus’s social life, for better or worse, revolved around fraternities and sororities. I’ve never been much of a joiner or a partier, but at the time I figured, “When in Rome,” and ambivalently joined my aunt’s sorority.
At my very first party, I noticed a tall blonde girl who was full of sunshine. Along with her big smile and contagious laugh, she was wearing a pendant of a bell tower that’s the symbol of a community my family loved to visit in the summertime. I introduced myself and asked her about her connection, and it turned out that she grew up there.
Sunshine Girl studied accounting and coined one of my favorite positivity expressions: Deposits Only. This warm, generous soul invited me into her circle of friends without hesitation. The sorority came and went, but 30 years later, Sunshine Girl and her then-roommate remain two of my very closest friends.
Show up for, and show interest in, people.
When I was growing up, my parents and grandparents attended every wedding, funeral, reunion, backyard barbecue, and birthday party they could. We should all do the same, even if we consider ourselves to be introverted and shy. If it’s a celebratory occasion, our presence will increase the joy; if it’s a sorrowful one, we will be helping to care for the bereaved simply by being with them. Building the “showing up” social muscle takes us out of our comfort zone sometimes, for sure, but just like physical exercise, repetition and practice build our interpersonal skills.
One of the most useful tools in my social toolbox is conversational tennis. I learned to pay attention to the balance of a conversation’s flow by observing others who had already honed the art of asking questions and being curious about those they meet. One couple I know, in particular, could give a master class in this art form. Spending time with them is a gift because, by example, they teach me the finer points of paying attention and showing genuine interest.
If a conversation is lop-sided in your favor, look for an opportunity to send an easy lob to the other side of the net. And in a case where your conversational partner never sends the ball your way, important social intelligence lives in this exchange, too.
Showing up for people you love is especially important at the beginning and end of their lives. In the United States, we do not have a strong infrastructure for taking care of our very young and very old/infirm. The unwritten story about end-of-life care is that informal caregivers, be they family, friends, or neighbors, do the bulk of needed daily care.
Suppose that I am making home visits to two women living with the same serious illness. The first is a wealthy, solitary soul living alone without a network of loved ones in an affluent section of the city, while the second is living in an impoverished area where a steady stream of concerned friends and family surrounds her. Between the two, I am far more concerned about the former than the latter. In such a scenario, any amount of accumulated wealth cannot provide the care that is born out of love and shared experience.
Your village doesn’t have to be comprised of relatives.
People who have wonderfully supportive families enjoy a true gift throughout their lifespans. But a lot of us have family systems that are complicated. It’s ok if your sibling isn’t your best friend or your dad isn’t your role model. You can find those folks by following Sunshine Girl’s example and remaining open to forging new relationships.
Having a ‘Circle of Trust’ is a good thing.
My daughter is a classicist who taught me about the Greek philosopher, Aristotle’s three subtypes of friendships: utility-based (valuing a relationship for its usefulness), pleasure-based (enjoying a person’s company), and character-based (the most valuable category, comprised of those you esteem highly because of their core natures). I don’t keep my inner circle as tight as Robert DeNiro’s character does in Meet the Fockers, but I’ve learned to confide only in my most trusted loved ones and turn to them when I’m in need of wise counsel.
Most jobs come from interpersonal connections.
I’ve found a few jobs through interviews and blind applications, but my most rewarding opportunities have come through people in my village, including family, church members, classmates, and former colleagues. It’s not nepotism; this is the way the world works, so don’t feel bad about following leads that originate with friends or family.
My father used to say there’s a golden thread binding all religions together. I think that’s true for people, too, if we intentionally cultivate the social ties that bind. My husband and I have long dreamed about creating a neighborhood where we could live with our favorite people. When we build it, we will leave plenty of open space if you’d like to join us.
